Pac wrote: Wow, there's a whole lot of zero replies to this story. Does it suck that badly?
Short answer, no. I scanned over it, your wordcraft seems fine.
Long answer, lack of responses . . . stories just don't get the respect, at least in the way of open acknowledgement, the way they did back in the day when forums were the place to go, and stories pretty much ruled along with photo collages.
Keep in mind, you've had 500+ hits on this topic, so there are people reading, but in general are unwilling to comment. Participation (both providing content, and offering commentary) is something at a low these days. Runs in cycles, I've noticed.
If you love to write, don't let it dissuade you from doing so. Write for yourself, not for audience approval. This from someone that's done far more than just several stories of my own.